memories. stashed.

we're happy, really.


你的手很大, 很有力.
我的手好小, 好需要你

there have been more than a handful of instances when i have been gripped with sudden fear. i look at my hands and i am filled inwardly with the heaviest emotion. You know what happens when you fucking play with fire. You get burnt.

my ego got smashed.

but i'd recover it, like i always do. with my own means, swift & hidden. You'd see. I'd play you right back the way you did.

i'm going through a phase currently. they call it the "i should make an attempt to connect with everybody again" phase. oh and also, the "i shall attempt to revive my long lost habits" phase. well you should be guessing it right this time, yours truly AM BACK HERE MAN!

WOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

not that blogging used to be a habit of mine, i refuse to admit it. but in all true essence of the word, i found myself agreeing with the premise whilst scrolling through pages and pages of this blog in the wee hours of the morning, 4-fucking-am to be precise. no, it wasn't an after-clubbing urge but rather - a John-instigated moment. But i digress.

In any case, things have been roller-coastey since the last time i wrote in here. You know, FEO isn't that bad. The office isn't even that bad. It's just the inclusion of some real fucks without a zipper on their mouths. Being jealous of over-performing people shouldn't be a basis for self-pity. If you are that jealous of my performance, why don't you just fucking get up from your seats and go get some sales for once? And oh, I hate the girl who sits just next to me. She is the MOST clique-y person i've ever met in my whole life. Totally zero-brains, zero self-opinion, 100% "i'm your friend so i don't care that you're telling lies, i'd just hate who you hate. it's only right."

fuck you. michelle yong. seriously. no wonder your bf hits you. no wonder he finds you childish. NOW I KNOW WHY.

before you raise your fat finger at me and accuse me of being a self-indulgent bitch, let me tell you that I am such and boy am i proud to be one. totally.

and the fact that i single-handedly gave up $4k worth of commission. so i always have the urge to beat myself over it but what the hell. you can't always have the best things in life can you.

later.

yoohoo? anybody there? i'm.... back, for now!

what i am going to say here may sound boring and repeated, but i just gotta.

when you think you've had enough of reports and exams, you yearn to graduate as fast as you can and step into working life. just the other week, my younger sister bemoaned loudly about how lucky we were, to be able to throw everything aside the moment we reach home.

I understood her. But now, i wish i'm back in school. I miss the days in TKGS. I miss the days in AJ, and most of all, i miss the days in Bukit Timah Campus. i'm probably the least qualified person to say this here, having spent only a summer term in the new campus but DAMN THE CITY CAMPUS. i pass by it every morning on the way to work and it looks spanky yes, but it sure doesn't look anything like Bodgard.

damn.


Working life has started to lose its exciting appeal; like any job you've taken on for more than 3 months. i start to realise what it means to 'settle down' that way. my phone's ringing all the time, everyday, even when i sleep. im constantly trying to meet my targets, working on people's impressions of me. i feel like i need something else.

damn.


i don't think about anything else now other than:
- Fuck. get up now or you'd be late.
- Fuck. clear online class soon or you'd be working on Monday night again.
- Fuck. i need more deals.
- Fuck. so long more till John comes by.

and fuck. i don't seem anxious that i'm not meeting up with friends.


Update. i wish i got a clearer picture tho'

"... It’s about a man who doesn’t get laid by his wife, who is simply scared of sex but is using religion as an excuse. You know, no one ever talks about the psychological damage that’s done to men when their partner doesn’t want to fuck them. Rape happens to women, and we talk about that a great deal, but what about guys that don’t get laid and can’t get laid by anyone because they are married and they still love their wife, or even if they don’t, their wife threatens to take away half of their posession should they get a divorce, so they can’t -in case she demands a divorce when she has the evidence. I mean, it just isn’t fair now, is it. Why do women do things like that?"

Somehow or rather, it didn't come as a surprise when I was given the "Rookie of the Year" award. My company's calendar year is wierd which really gave me only 5 weeks to prove my worth. It wasn't so much of the cash prize nor the privilege to sit at the same table with the CEO; but rather, running way ahead of the other 2 newbies who joined the organization before I did.

now, that's the great thing about winning. grin.

on our 2nd anniversary, my humble little webcam screen showed the love of my life, holding up a beautiful cake with 2 lighted candles. We didn't sing, no. (Is there even an anniversary song out there?) But I made the wish and he blew the candles, and he ate the cake too. It was lovely, so romantic and very unexpected. He told me i was gonna have a surprise but I never thought it. So he remembers i like having a cake for birthdays and anniversaries.

Maybe it's a small number to some, but it's a huge number to us. For being apart and working so hard to keep the flame going, I love you.

I wonder how many of you still come here. But i'm not surprised if you don't anymore since my absence from this place is almost shameful. if we've met from the date of my last post til now, then it means you mean something to me. If not, it could be due to the following reasons:

a) I keep wanting to arrange something, but you are too busy (or you don't care)
b) You keep wanting to arrange something, but i am too busy (which in actual fact, i don't care)
c) I don't arrange something even though i still think of you, but we had brushes in the past, it would be so wierd.
d) i hate you.

ok that's it ^^

ps: i'd try my bestest to come in here often but my office doesn't allow livejournal sites.